Just got back from Desolation of Smaug. My first impulse was to make food because 3 hours of waiting will make you knife someone for a taco. Second impulse, did I really like this movie? Of course I recommend it. Even if I said it was complete shit (it isn’t) you’d still go see it and be right to do so. But, I’m conflicted. I’m much more conflicted than after the first movie. Unexpected Journey, in my opinion, you cut Radagast and the Council Scene, much stronger movie. Of course, then Gandalf’s B-Plot in this movie wouldn’t make much sense, not that it does anyways, but I’ll get to that. There were clear moments to be removed. In Desolation, the bad parts are spread more evenly throughout the film and I’m not sure if it makes them less irritating or the film worse as a whole. Right now I lean towards the latter because I’m in angry critic mode.
First a positive. Martin Freeman. This guy is the ultimate everyman. From Tim Canterbury, to Arthur Dent, and now Bilbo Baggins, he is the ultimate “man in a situation he is not qualified to deal with.” There are many scenes of these to choose from, my favorite would be his initial encounter with Smaug. If films had never developed audio and we were still in the silent era, Martin Freeman would be the highest paid actor on the fucking planet. His reactions are that good.
I think the easiest problem is probably one everyone saw coming, Evangeline Lilly. She does a fine job playing her character who is interesting but completely unnecessary. Why is her character here? What purpose does she serve? Really, the most important reason she’s here is to provide and resolve conflicts that aren’t relevant to the story. She is but a lowly captain of the guard, Legolas can’t marry her! Who asked? Besides, who the fuck else is he going to marry, Arwen? Are there even any other Elvish nobles for him to marry? But more to the point, is this relevant to retaking Erebor? NO. Cut it. Then she and Kili start flirting. That’s nice. Then Kili gets shot by a poisoned arrow. Oh no! Then she has to defy King Thranduil to save him because no one else will know you need kingsfoil to cure poison. Again, because this isn’t in the book, I have to ask why include it? Its to create a problem, and then fix it to give the characters something to do because otherwise the movie would be two hours and we can’t have that. She also provides a second face during the pointless action beats. If she wasn’t there it would be Legolas going through these orcs like a knife through butter. Then you would say, why do these guys even need an army?
Which brings us to Orlando Bloom and Legolas. Orlando Bloom does a much better job with the character in this movie. This Legolas feels like a younger version of the character. But like Tauriel, the character is completely unnecessary. Even more so because at least for Tauriel they shoehorned a reason for her to be there, she needs to go help Kili. But Legolas is purely here to fill the movie with badass moments. That is his job. And these scenes are my biggest problem with the movie. The action is filmed too close and the cuts are too quick to see what is going on. Think back to Fellowship. At the end of that movie, without cutting, Legolas kills three Uruk-Hai with arrows in a row. It’s a cool scene. Here Legolas does some kind of kung-fu flip then three orcs around him suddenly fall dead. Then another guy off to the side dies because he’s just that fucking good.
I actually had some fun with this at one point. After Legolas shows up to Lake Town to kill orcs, the movie cuts to the Dwarves and Smaug for about 20 minutes. Then it comes back to Legolas who has not missed a beat and is still chasing orcs through Lake Town. It made me laugh because I suddenly had this thought like, Legolas has spent the last 20 minutes just hunting these motherfuckers through the street.
Towards the end of the movie, Legolas has a showdown with Bolg, the goblin #2 (who is played by season 1 Gregor Clegane). It’s very reminiscent of the Thorin-Azog showdown in the first movie, to the point where I thought it was going to be the climax of the movie. Of course, on the walk to Bolg, Legolas just kills two random orcs in passing. If this were a D&D game, Legolas would be able to kill minions as a free action. And for a second, Legolas looks like he’s getting his ass beat, like okay this is going to be the orc’s brute strength against Legolas’s agility. Nope, Legolas still strongarms that motherfucker until he runs away hauling ass on his warg. His last scene (can’t have him in Lake Town for Smaug’s attack) is chasing after Bolg on a stolen white horse. Because did anyone really expect Legolas to steal a brown horse?
Another thing the movie does right is explain the tonal shift. In the first movie, the dwarves are after treasure. Here they’re trying to reclaim Erebor. So why do they need a burglar? Because they need to steal the Arkenstone to unite the other dwarves. I liked this because it really provided a reason to have a burglar. Even in the book, its not clear why they need a Burglar. Book Smaug even points out the basic impossibility of transporting 1/14th of Erebor’s wealth to the Shire. But this leads into a shift with Smaug himself. It’s basically taken as a given in this movie if the Dwarves worked together, they could take Smaug. Although if I was a player in this D&D game, I’d write the other dwarves and say, “yeah we totally have the Arkenstone, come kick this dragon’s ass.”
Speaking of D&D, the opening scene of this movie is brilliant. Thorin the Dwarf Fighter and Gandalf the human mage meet in tavern and scheme how they can get the treasure without being killed by Smaug. And Gandalf’s like, “we need to hire a rogue.” It is straight out of a D&D game and I love it.
Getting back to Smaug, that whole thing undergoes one big change. In the book, Smaug and Thorin never meet. The Dwarves run inside Erebor after Smaug basically comes out the front and starts circling the mountain. He figures they came from Lake Town, and decides to go start some shit. In the movie, Thorin confronts Smaug early and often. The Dwarves spend like 40 minutes being chased up and down Erebor. Then they eventually start dropping heavy fucking mining equipment on Smaug and nearly drown him in molten gold. I’m not sure fire and melted metal work like they do in this scene but roll with me. They run Smaug off. You can tell in Benedict Cumberbatch’s performance, he’s leaving to destroy Lake Town because he doesn’t want to fight the dwarves anymore.
I thought the whole drown Smaug in gold thing sucked. The effect looked like shit. But also, this is the Game of Thrones era. Everyone knows about the scene where a dude is covered in molten gold. And what does someone in the room say? “Fire cannot kill a dragon.” I can see why they thought it was cool, but was it was kind of boring to me because you know it’s not going to mean anything. This is what gives Smaug a motivation to go fuck up Lake Town instead of killing the dwarves. Physically, all it does is piss off Smaug.
The main reason you know the dwarves aren’t going to really stop Smaug is because dragons can only be killed by a Dwarven crossbow. Did you know that? I didn’t. Apparently someone thought to invent an anti Dragon super weapon. Lake Town has one but oh no they don’t have any “black arrows” which is the ammunition these things use. Oh wait, Bard has one! Gee I wonder what’s going to happen. In case you’re missing my subtlety, I hated any mention of “black arrows.” It’s overly telegraphed shit. Guys, its called a scorpion. Otherwise known as a ballista. Those things it fires are called javelins, spears, or bolts. The only reason to call it a dwarven crossbow or a black arrow is for Mr. and Mrs. Casual Viewer who doesn’t know what the fuck a javelin is. The movie telegraphs in excruciating detail that dragons are killed with this specific weapon and that Smaug has a weak spot. What the fuck do you think is going to happen? I liked the part though where everyone’s like, oh shit there aren’t any black arrows and then Bard whips one out of his pantry. I would’ve done something where like, the town is getting destroyed and Smaug is chasing Bard through the streets or something (work with me here) and is like ha ha you’re out of arrows. Then Bard whips one out from behind a cupboard and throws off a badass one liner. The one liner is going to be key to killing Smaug in the next movie, I bet they skimp on that.
The reason I say kill Smaug is because Smaug dies in the book. Spoilers. But, I’m wondering how they’re going to pull this off and keep the tension. In the book, its like Chapter 13 or something which would put Smaug’s death like 15 minutes into the movie. They’re not going to do that, Jackson will stretch that shit out but how? I really thought this was going to end with Smaug’s death because he would have to die so quickly in the third movie.
Unlike the 1st movie, I really didn’t mind the Gandalf B-Plot in this movie. It felt tense, grim, and dark. I think this is entirely a testament to Sir Ian’s charisma as an actor. He sells the shit out of something that Sylvester Cooper made feel boring and tacked on. The action may be pointless, but the cinematography and effects are excellent. I guess you could say that’s the movie in a nutshell really. Final thoughts on this would be, the first movie was a real love letter to hardcore fans. This felt more…accessible maybe? It felt a bit dumbed down, but I enjoyed it.
The post The Hobbit – The Desolation of Smaug appeared first on The Snark Knight.